Image for post
Image for post
Photo by nick on Unsplash

Last night I had a dream

All good stories start this way

I was in a grand hall with many rooms

Not like heaven

More like a Marriott convention space

I was with a man I love

He encouraged me to explore these rooms

And figure out

Where I fit in

The first room I “attended” was a cabana

Clear water surrounding me

Beautiful people with beautiful sun kissed bodies lounging about like a GAP ad

I was regular, pale, and overdressed

I laughed too loudly, no one noticed me at all

We met up in the lobby and he…

There is a space

Above my head

Above our bed

Where things work out

I replay our conversations

You say the right things

I don’t wake up with an overwhelming sense of dread

But that space between the lines is so small

So limited

As are we

I burn a hole into the ceiling

My suffocating thoughts

Self deprecating waves washing all that we built out to sea

The space above my head is noise

Is deafening silence

Is what could be

I roll to my left to look at the trees outside

I try to determine the temperature and…

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and you should not follow any advice presented here- medical or otherwise. In fact, you shouldn’t do anything I do. I’m a self medicating lunatic.

When we last left our devastatingly beautiful protagonist, she had just been diagnosed with Graves disease, had destroyed her marriage and was popping copious amounts of Advil to deal with the pain of her fibroadenoma tumors that were riddling her perfect breasts. If that sounds like a story you want to read, then settle in kids.

When my endocrinologist moved hundreds of miles away just a month after our…

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Edgar Hernández on Unsplash

Part one of an on-going struggle

It’s been almost three years since I was diagnosed with Graves disease. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. You’d think I would have read every internet article or academic study and be armed with enough knowledge to go forth and live my life effectively however cautiously. Truth is, I read a lot in the beginning, but not deeply enough to really understand what was going on inside my body.

I am NOT an armchair physician or a Web MD addict. Having said that, I’ll admit to joining a Facebook group or…

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Thomas Stephan on Unsplash

I came to Medium based on a friend’s recommendation and two weeks later, I find that maybe I don’t belong in this community.

I mean, I have a healthy 11 followers and I AM finding it easier to articulate my feelings- which is what I really wanted to accomplish. But, I didn’t realize that so many folks come here to get their writing wings. Does anyone actually come here to write about their feelings without needing to be judged on the quality of their writing?

Everything seems to be a “how to” or a “five steps” or a “37 reasons…

I just finished Unbelievable, the limited series on Netflix. I watched all eight episodes in two days. Don’t worry, no spoilers here, but I will tell you how much it resonates with me. My story isn’t at all like the main character, Marie’s. I’m not sure if mine even qualifies for #metoo. What I do identify with is the shame, the confusion and the absolute belief that you don’t deserve to have anyone feel sorry for you.

In 1995 I graduated high school. I was 17 when I left my driveway with my loaded down Chevy Cavalier. I moved to…

or what I learned from potty training my pup

Image for post
Image for post
One tired Yoko

My 14 year old daughter recently brought home a stray. I’m not sure who became attached first, but nevertheless- we became a two dog family in just a few hours and an emergency vet visit.

Yoko is a Terrier mix. Her seven pounds of feistiness is but a fly for our 75lb Labraheeler. Let’s just say that Yoko isn’t the playmate I intended.

Since my ex and I have joint custody, my kids are at their dad’s house every other week. This is his week and our first full week with Yoko. “It will be fine!” I said. Since my…

Image for post
Image for post

It seems whenever I am stressed, I rearrange furniture. Some would say I live in a constant state of stress. Some would say I should have been an interior designer. Either way it must all be about control. When I feel I can’t control the external forces pushing against me, I retreat to the environment I have complete control over. I show that kitchen table who is boss. I rough the couch up a bit. I destroy everything I have built until I am literally standing in piles of debris that have been hiding under my couch since the last…

Image for post
Image for post

I hear ya. I do. Lemonade stands with the kids and fresh veg from your neighbor’s garden. Everyone’s waxing poetic about water from a hose and long days filled with endless hours of play on some sandy beach. These people don’t live where I live.

The best thing I can say about summer is that there is less traffic when the kids are not in school. Summer for me means huge utility bills and bugs with diseases I can’t pronounce. I should really buy stock in mosquito repellent.

I live in a beautiful natural state (even if it is landlocked)…

There was a time when I went everywhere with a portable radio/cassette player. My dad made certain that I had an endless supply of memorex because I enjoyed documenting my everyday life. By the time I was 20, I had accumulated quite the collection of old cassettes with my best Elvira imitations and other sounds from my childhood. One year for Father’s Day, I boxed up my most precious and gave them to my dad. I foolishly thought he would treat them as the sacred treasure they were, but I was wrong. He misplaced the box in one of his…

Damsel in De-stress

I’m a 43 year old mother of three struggling to figure it all out. I don’t pretend to be a great writer, but I need a place to sort out this mess of mine.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store